Shalom, I will make my story direct to the point.
At 5 years old I was raped at the back of the altar in the church by a man. I would say his age will be around 27-33 years old of age. Honestly, as a little girl, I was always happy, cheerful, and very smart in school. I could tell that God loves me. He gave me so much wisdom and I knew I had something great in me.

When that incident happened on a Sunday evening, I knew then that something left me, 90% of my life and gifts was gone. I remembered vividly that when I got home, mother knew there was something wrong with me that day. She helped me get showered but I kept feeling so much pain down there (vagina). I had to pretend as if nothing was wrong with me. She kept on asking but I told her I was good. You can imagine how young I was but feel with wisdom to have responded well to my mom.

The story of how Adam and Eve’s eyes were open when they ate the forbidden fruit is how I felt when the man raped me. I endured so many sexual immoralities…. Slept with my cousin (sister and brother), and slept with my dad’s workers…… it was a lot but I never got pregnant and never had sexually transmitted diseases. There I would say God’s hands were really upon me.
Hmmmm….. I never thought straight, I can’t make good conversations with people. I was always depressed, and angry, had low self-esteem, and of course, wanted to kill myself so many times. Academically I was almost the worst. I LOST MY TRUE SELF IN ONE NIGHT. I grew up too fast as a child

I was too smart in doing bad things all the time. I hid from my family for so many years. I have never felt what LOVE TRULY IS.
Fast forward to now, I got married to someone I later found out was different from any guy I have met. I prayed to God that any man I want as a husband should never want to sleep with me until we are married and God answered me. I really fought with myself to tell him my truth and foolishly I did. I told him everything when he went through my pasted messages and found out things about me.

I have tried to explain to him, but he doesn’t see me as a wife. He sees me as a lady who has been used by so many men. My question is, how do I get my true self back, and how do I get my husband back? I still battle with low self-esteem so much. I still see myself as not smart. I love Jesus and I trust him

 

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