I don’t when know how to categorize my husband. When he was wooing me, he made me feel on top of the world and so special than every other person that had an interest in me then. He even went behind my back to threaten some of them to leave me alone then. He’s a very social person and has a lot of friends. I am on the quiet side, if I don’t stay with people for awhile, I’ll not be able to open up to them.

After marriage, issues of life started hitting us hard and reality started setting in. The once loving man started abusing me physically when provoked. He’ll come and apologize afterwards. I started hating him with every slap he gave me, will bring up what he did at every chance of misunderstanding, started being bitter, with so much unfulfilled expectations.
I had to separate from him when I got a job in another state.

Since he didn’t have a constant monthly paid job, I told myself that staying back with him will cause me more pain and headache, so with the help of my sister-in-law,I relocated to another state with our two kids, and hubby use to visit twice or thrice in a year. Everytime he comes, we’ll have a misunderstanding because I will go through his phone and will see all sorts of rubbish he’s doing online with women. He’ll later apologise saying it’s just a distraction that there’s nothing serious in them.

When he goes back, I’ll be thinking of all sorts of things, till I started becoming depressed, I had to go learn how to sew (tailoring) so that I’ll be busy afterwork, so I won’t think. I even started drinking alcohol just to forget the mistake I made in marrying him, and do say it to his hearing that he’s the worst mistake of my life.

I was very bitter, that my kids will be at the receiving end. I was the one taking care of myself and all the kids’ needs (feeding, school fees, and even rent at times). And I will be asking myself why I even married when I am the one taking care of myself by myself. He later got a job and things started getting better. When he has money, he would try to handle his responsibilities, but he doesn’t take care of my personal needs saying I am working, I can take care of myself. This has made me not to see him as not important anymore to me. Because am not benefiting anything from him, so why should I want to please him, or submit or respect him or appreciate him? ( these and many other feelings/thoughts do fly in my head)

The relationship has been off and on, till I got a transfer back to my state. We now see every weekend. Thinking my transfer will bring us together, but it didn’t.

Last december I saw a video of him and a strange woman fondling and kissing themselves in his phone. I was so devastated and hurt, because I never expected him to go that far irrespective of all the misunderstandings we had. It was the worst Christmas I have ever had. Instead of him to take responsibility for misbehaving, he blamed me, saying I pushed him away with my actions.

His actions made me turned to God for comfort and consolation. I have decided to focus on myself and my kids for now.
Though he has been showing some remorseful moves and have tried to move past his betrayal and forgive him because I don’t want my marriage to end. I am seeing it more from the spiritual angle, it’s like there’s an ancestral covenant fighting marriages in their family.

I am trying to forgive him but forgetting it is really hard.
Sometimes video just replays in my head and I’ll start getting angry and hostile towards him.

Please how can I get my mind out all these negative thoughts. I really want things to work out, I want to heal and move on, but I do fine myself driving back into the pain I want to forget. What do I do, please?

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